1.2.07

Wax on, wax off

(Disclaimer: this is another one of those blog entries of a slightly gross nature. Much like the snot one. Only this isn't about snot. Anyway, if you're easily offended by the weirdness - not to mention grossness - of the human body, you'd better take heed and go read something else. Like the latest Apple keynote. Oh, and I couldn't find any photos to go with this entry that weren't utterly gross, so they're omitted. Sue me.)

I love my ears. Being a music lover, wannabe electronic musician and occasional audio engineer, my ears have given me - and continue to give me - daily joy and entertainment throughout the years. Given the choice between blindness and deafness, I'd lose the eyes. Especially if there was a chance for some cybernetic implant to grant me night vision and Predator-style thermal vision. And possibly laser-beams. But I digress.

Anyway, my ears - as much as I love them and take care of them - also cause me grief. See, my ears have crazy earwax build-up. Yeah, earwax. Sticky, yellow goop clogs my ears completely once in a while - it's happened three times in the last ten years - resulting in temporarily partial or complete loss of hearing on one or both of my ears. Scared the crap out of me the first time, now I take it like a man (curling up in a fetal position and sobbing uncontrollably, then). Tuesday it happened again; most likely triggered by a long day of headphone use in a pretty warm apartment. Woke up with my right ear completely clogged and spent most of my working day with a sore neck from constantly turning my left side to anyone talking to me.

So, yesterday I headed down to the private clinic I use for small, everyday emergencies like this. The doctor placed me in the usual chair and fired up his earwax removal machine: a big tank-like thing with hoses and cables connected to it. While seated there and having my ears vacuumed - that's what it feels like, really - I was looking at the tubes going to and from the machine. I'm guessing there was one for air, one for water and one for the actual wax - boy, there was a lot of the yellow stuff going through that one.

I still wonder where it all goes; is there a black market for second-hand earwax? Can it be found in cosmetics, food or silly putty if you can decipher the contents listings? Or was my doctor secretly collecting enough to create his own earwax Golem to wreck havoc on humanity in general and the makers of cotton sticks in particular..? Perhaps he'd bring home a box of it and make tiny, elaborate figurines to be displayed in a glass cabinet? Make candles? All these things rushed through my head as my ear-canals slowly regained their functionality. After what sounded like a medium-sized waterfall rushing out of my ears, the audible world came back to me in glorious stereo and with a slightly improved high-frequency response; I spent most of yesterday being annoyed by the sound of my clothes shuffling.

Oh yeah, and to the possible smartasses among you that go "Why don't you use cotton sticks?!" - it's not good for ya: never put something sharper than your elbow in your ear. Go look it up, kids.