Milkman? Worry about the mailman instead

(Warning: the following entry contains at least two things that may shock the casual reader of my blog - 1. the words "condoms" and "sexual" are in it. 2. which imply that I actually have a love life and am not the lonely geek I may appear to be. A sense of humor is thusly required.)

"To whom it may concern,

Today I received in my mailbox a shipment from you (order no. XXXXXX) that was supposed to contain 1 piece of Brand C 30-pack of condoms and 1 piece of Brand P 30-pack of condoms: unfortunately, the sealed paper bag containing these items had been ripped open, and only contained 2 pcs. of Brand C 10-pack of condoms. I find two possible reasons for this:

1) The paper bag has been laying beneath some very heavy papers/letters (electricity or dentist bills, most likely) inside the mailman's bag and was torn open as the mailman transfered the package from his bag to my mailbox. In that case, a somewhat surprised - and hopefully lucky - mailman will find 40 pcs. of high-quality condoms in the bottom of his bag by the end of his shift, and will use these in the best possible fashion.

2) A less than honorable employee with our highly competent Postal Service has - metaphorically as well as literally - secured himself for a good few days to come. The way the bag was torn (very neatly) implies that this is the most likely alternative. The fact that this person consider my condoms a far more valuable contraband than the huge amount of DVDs and CDs that regularly pop into my mailbox tells - I'm sorry to say - far more about him than me.

I am of course aware of the fact that your company can neither be blamed for huge electricity bills nor thieving postal workers, and I fully understand that it would be easy to brand me as a cheeky (but eloquent) con artist - I mean, I COULD have torn open the bag myself when I got home from work this evening and promptly engaged in a sexual marathon of truly epic proportions that would have decimated the number of condoms at an alarming rate - but I consider myself a loyal and honest customer and was hoping that you could help me out of this somewhat racy predicament. Photographic evidence of the state of the paper bag and its contents can be produced if necessary.

Regards,
Bitstreem (bewildered and contraception-impoverished customer) "

(This is a translation of the actual e-mail I sent to the online store where I get my condoms - hopefully the customer support department will have a sense of humor compatible with mine.)

Top 7 signs you're no longer a single geek

(Tongue firmly in cheek and all that. All references to actual, living people are purely coincidental and should be taken with a huge grain of salt. Oh, and I'm more than happy to have my newfound love disrupt my geeky routines and rituals, thankyouverymuch.)

Not too long ago, my status as a single geek changed into that of a geek-in-a-relationship. This has brought about certain changes in my life and lifestyle (or lack of such), and I'm happy to say they are mostly for the better (of course, I say this because there's a good chance my girlfriend will be reading this blog). I thought perhaps a short summary of these changes may be of value to other geeks (of one persuasion or the other) in a relationship or about to enter one.

So, here they are, the top 7 tell-tale signs you're no longer a single geek:

1. Your otherwise spotless order history of quality music and cult/action/horror-movies with your favorite web-shop (*cough*Play*cough*) suddenly becomes tainted with Top 20 CDs and chick-flicks.

2. You find yourself - somewhat reluctantly - actually enjoying said Top 20 CDs and chick-flicks to some extent. I repeat: to SOME extent.

3. "Going shopping" no longer means checking out the nearest Apple Store or scavenging for cheap X-Men comics.

4. There are at least 10 new cosmetics products in your bathroom that you cannot identify - and most of their content cannot be found in the periodic table.

5. Two words: "Couple dinners". 'Nuff said!

6. No more careless tossing about of pop-cultural references: if you say something in Klingon, Elvish or Wookie, be prepared to explain it. Thoroughly. In a language spoken on Earth.

7. With the above point fresh in mind: Yes, most sci-fi and fantasy will lose some of its initial attraction once properly explained (read: dissected), scrutinized and lovingly ridiculed.

8. "Playing games" no longer means hooking up your Playstation or dusting off your Star Wars action figures... Which is quite an improvement, really. No further elaboration required or granted.

There you have it, fellow geeks: it's not so bad as it may seem. Life is change, and not all change is for the worse - even if it means a bit less obsessive re-watching of Firefly episodes.

PS! I don't really speak Klingon, Elvish or Wookie - well.